Introduction: A Real-World Journey of Love and Integrity
In a world flooded with mixed messages about love, sex, and relationships, those of us walking the path of mindfulness are often quietly wrestling with profound questions:
Whether you’ve taken refuge in the Five Mindfulness Trainings or are a lay leader (or aspirant) in the Order of Interbeing, the question of how to live the Third and Fourteenth Mindfulness Trainings in the real world is both tender and essential on our journey.
I have personally been on this journey since 2020 when I first took the Five Mindfulness Trainings. I am no expert but this week I was watching mindfulness teaching related to Love and and sex and it got me thinking more about what the Third and Fourteenth Mindfulness Trainings mean to me. I was also wondering what more could I learn by looking deeper on this part of the practice.
Here I will explore these trainings a bit more. Honestly, I can see how this may lead to more articles exploring each of these trainings. Here are some thoughts as I explore the Fourteenth deeper.
As with any of the trainings, I do not think this is not about perfection. It’s about presence. It’s about cultivating love rooted in mindfulness, deep understanding, and compassion—for ourselves and those we love. It’s about being mindful in our thoughts and actions and practicing ways to live these ideals. I’ll review both the Third Mindfulness Training and the Fourteenth Mindfulness Training to be relevant to those who are working with either/both.
The Third Mindfulness Training: True Love for All Practitioners
The Third of the Five Mindfulness Trainings reads:
Aware of the suffering caused by sexual misconduct, I am committed to cultivating responsibility and learning ways to protect the safety and integrity of individuals, couples, families, and society. Knowing that sexual desire is not love, and that sexual activity motivated by craving always harms myself as well as others, I am determined not to engage in sexual relations without mutual consent, true love, and a deep, long-term commitment. I resolve to find spiritual support for the integrity of my relationship from family members, friends, and sangha with whom there is support and trust. I will do everything in my power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct. Seeing that body and mind are interrelated, I am committed to learn appropriate ways to take care of my sexual energy and to cultivate the four basic elements of true love – loving kindness, compassion, joy, and inclusiveness – for the greater happiness of myself and others. Recognizing the diversity of human experience, I am committed not to discriminate against any form of gender identity or sexual orientation. Practicing true love, we know that we will continue beautifully into the future.
This training reminds us that personal sexual activity is not inherently harmful or impure. Rather, it’s the unconscious or craving-driven expression of it that causes suffering as long as we are not causing harm to others. In a committed relationship, our sexuality can be a sacred and loving part of our connection—when we bring presence and responsibility to it we could create an even deeper relationship with our partner.
The Fourteenth Mindfulness Training: True Love for OI Lay Leaders and OI Aspirants
For those practicing within the Order of Interbeing, the Fourteenth Mindfulness Training deepens this inquiry:
Aware that sexual desire is not love and that sexual relations motivated by craving cannot dissipate the feeling of loneliness but will create more suffering, frustration, and isolation, we are determined not to engage in sexual relations without mutual understanding, love, and a deep long-term commitment. We resolve to find spiritual support for the integrity of our relationships from family members, friends, and sangha with whom there is support and trust. We know that to preserve the happiness of ourselves and others, we must respect the rights and commitments of ourselves and others. Recognizing the diversity of human experience, we are committed not to discriminate against any form of gender identity or sexual orientation. Seeing that body and mind are interrelated, we are committed to learning appropriate ways to take care of our sexual energy and cultivating loving kindness, compassion, joy, and inclusiveness for our own happiness and the happiness of others. We must be aware of future suffering that may be caused by sexual relations. We will treat our bodies with compassion and respect. We are determined to look deeply into the Four Nutriments and learn ways to preserve and channel our vital energies (sexual, breath, spirit) for the realization of our bodhisattva ideal. We will do everything in our power to protect children from sexual abuse and to prevent couples and families from being broken by sexual misconduct. We will be fully aware of the responsibility of bringing new lives into the world, and will meditate regularly upon their future environment.
Lay members are not required to be celibate like the monastics. Instead, we are called to cultivate a mindful sexuality—one that honors our spiritual path and our human relationships. It challenges us to look deeply: What is motivating this desire? Is it rooted in love or craving? Does it support healing and connection, or does it distract and divide or do harm?
I really am exploring my thoughts within a committed relationship which actually seems less of a concern than some of the other sexual acts we may see in society. We are committed to support healthy ways to deal with sexual activities and true love in other areas of society. That could be another article where I dig deeper into influencing others and keeping individuals and communities safe from harm.
Sexual Energy as Life Energy
One liberating teaching in the Plum Village tradition is that sexual energy is also life energy. It can manifest as creative inspiration, tenderness, longing for union, or spiritual yearning. The aim isn’t to suppress it, but to understand it, transform it, and channel it wisely.
Brother Phap Luu says…
“It is important to understand and touch the nature of sexual energy, it does not need to be suppressed. We need to have a healthy relationship with it that does not cut it off or smash it down. It does not have to be bounded by the framework of family life, and within the context of a celibate monastic life, can find expression in being one with the Sangha, being part of the larger human family and cultivating a love that knows no bounds. We are free when we are not in love with an image.”
I highly recommend this article and dharma talk he offered in 2018, titled – Mindfulness of Sexual Desire.
When we treat our sexual energy with mindfulness, it becomes a source of connection rather than confusion, a deepening of love rather than a fracture from it.
Practical Ways to Live the Trainings in a Committed Relationship
Here are some grounded, compassionate ways to work with strong sexual energy while honoring the mindfulness trainings:
1. Cultivate Intimacy Through Presence
Let your physical intimacy be rooted in emotional and spiritual intimacy. Slow down. Breathe together. Make space for affection that’s about connection, not just desire. Thay says our attention and presence is one of the most precious gifts we can give.
2. Understand the Roots of Desire
Before acting on impulse, pause. Ask: What is underneath this? Is it stress, loneliness, a need for touch, or a longing for union? Naming it brings clarity.
3. Practice Mindful Sexuality
Engage with love, not habit. Let sexuality be an extension of your mindfulness practice—full of breath, care, and mutual consent. Make a deep and mindful connection with full presence.
4. Dialogue with Your Partner
Create regular space to talk openly about your needs, boundaries, fears, and desires. Use loving speech and deep listening. Normalize tenderness and honesty. I’m offering some questions at the end of the article to help engage in partner dialogue to get on the same page and love and support one another mindfully.
5. Transform Energy Creatively
If sexual energy feels overwhelming or untimely, try transmutation: paint, move, write, or breathe. Transform it into art, service, or spiritual insight. Walking mediation is a great way to be mindful anywhere and anytime. I am new to this concept of transforming sexual energy into creativity, but on researching this topic and seeking healthy ways to deal with habit energy this one came up a few times.
Interestingly, tantra also came up and in my pre-Buddhist walk I thought tantra was focused only on sexual practices and positions or intensifying orgasms. But early on in my Buddhist walk I found out tantra is more about energy. Anyhow, I ran into these two interesting video and article. Keep in mind these are stepping a bit out of a buddhist walk and more secular ideas like manifesting and and worldly goals. Please see past these potentially misaligned ideas but explore where some of the ideas share do actually align with managing our sexual energy and even finding healthy ways to express them through creativity. This is new to me but I’ll want to explore more as the last 2-years have been a creative outburst of art and painting.
From a strictly Plum Village tradition focus on the Brother Phap Luu dharma talk video above.
But in exploring turning sexual energy into creativity I thought this person was kind of interesting as he talks about energy and quantum physics which I think on some levels Buddhism set the tone for this industry. Disregard the manifestation, abundance, and the business ideas as he does share some great ideas on being present, life as our mirror, energy and vibrations from within ourselves beyond the business stuff he discusses.
Then I found this article which was a little more balanced then some thoughts in the sexual energy video. Jane Bear wrote and article titled What I’ve Learned About Creativity and Sexual Energy which I found interesting a little bit in addressing shame tied to sex which could be one challenge we have related to dealing with our sexual energy in a healthy way.
I guess I share these two worldly or more secular resources to bridge the gap between the secular world we live in and the spiritual world we create through our practice. I thought it offered another way to address what we see in the real world. Honestly, the speaker that pushed me to explore this topic was Jaiya talk and I see she worked with Gwyneth Paltrow on a Netflix series called Sex, Love, & Goop. I have not watched this yet but in the talk Jaiya was taking a mindfulness approach to love and sex and partner connections.
I guess my thoughts are the more we know the better we can practice and walk our walk. There is more work to do here but I am seeking to always learn and grow and deepen my practice and be more healthy and so less harm – including in the sexual space.
A Daily Reflection Practice
Mindful breathing, compassionate self-touch, and moments of stillness can help us respond to sexual energy with kindness rather than reactivity. One simple practice could be to check in with your body daily and ask, What do I need right now? What is this energy asking for—touch, rest, connection, creativity, stillness?
Conclusion: Love as a Living Practice
True love is not just a feeling. It’s an intention, a practice, and a path. Living the mindfulness trainings around sexuality and love is not about becoming a saint—it’s about becoming real. It’s about showing up with presence, care, and integrity in our relationships.
To those on this path, If you have ever been curious about finding real world integrity related to true love: you are not alone. These questions are part of the human experience, especially for those who seek to love wisely and live ethically. May our practice help us become more alive, more grounded, and more free.
This may seem like an odd topic to be discussing and the below REAL WORLD PRACTICE may also feel very odd or uncomfortable but I do think to live this path we need to explore all the topics life brings us and sex is something in life (at least for the non-monastic communities). I hope you found this article and these thoughts helpful on your own journey to explore how to best practice the mindfulness trainings in your life.
True Love is based on loving kindness, compassion, joy, and inclusiveness. My goal is to always find ways to best live these four basic elements of true love. I hope some ideas shared help you on your journey. If you have other thoughts, please share them in the comments.
TRUE LOVE REAL WORLD PRACTICE: Mindful Dialogue Questions for Partners
These questions can be explored in a “tea time” or “private heart space down time” with your partner. Create a quiet moment, perhaps once a week, to reflect on one or two together. Use deep listening and loving speech, without rushing to “fix” anything.
Thay says the first step of love is understanding and maybe this practice can grow deeper understanding between you and your partner.
- How do we each experience sexual energy? What do we notice in our body, emotions, and thoughts when desire arises?
- What helps us feel most connected and safe during intimacy? What conditions support true presence and mutual joy?
- Have we ever noticed when intimacy becomes habitual rather than mindful? How can we support each other in transforming that pattern?
- What are our unspoken boundaries or needs around touch, affection, or sensuality? Are there tender areas we’re afraid to name or discuss?
- How can we explore our physical connection as a spiritual practice? What would mindful sexuality look and feel like for us?
- Are there ways our sexual connection can reflect our deepest values—such as compassion, freedom, and non-harming? What would that look like in practice?
- What emotions come up when we talk about our sex life? Joy, fear, shame, gratitude? Can we hold these gently together?
- In what ways can we express our love non-sexually as well? How do we cultivate intimacy through presence, play, or service?